We all know the game, don’t we? Kiss, marry, kill? Three contenders, and you HAVE to choose. I’m sure we’ve all played it with celebrities at one point or another, but I’m taking the nerdy route and playing it with our fictional friends. Here’s Kiss, Marry, Kill: Book Characters edition.
If you’re wondering, here’s my methodology: I made a list of 30 book characters, and used a random number generator to select the combinations.
Kiss, Marry, Kill: Daphne Bridgerton, Mr Rochester, Sherlock Holmes
I didn’t realise I’d have to reveal myself to be so problematic right away. Mr Rochester definitely deserves to die, BUT there’s a lot of other factors to consider. Being married to Sherlock Holmes would be infuriating, and marrying Daphne means marrying the whole Bridgerton crew (that’s a lot to take for this only child). She also never received any sex education and didn’t get up to a whole lot of kissing in her youth, so I’m not sure she knows what she’s doing in that regard – but I can’t picture Sherlock smooching up a storm either.
Verdict: Kiss Sherlock (what the hey, I’ll give him a go), marry Rochester (at least I’ll be able to free his poor wife from the attic when he’s not looking), and kill Daphne (under duress).
Read my full review of Bridgerton here.
Read my full review of Jane Eyre here.
Read my full review of The Adventures Of Sherlock Holmes here.
Kiss, Marry, Kill: Heathcliff, Van Helsing, Jonathan Strange
Ohoho: we have three wild men on the cards! Heathcliff is a creep, Helsing is literally a cowboy, and Strange is a loose unit with magic. This one’s actually fairly easy.
Verdict: Kiss Van Helsing (he deserves a smooch for all his hard work), marry Jonathan Strange (at least the name change paperwork wouldn’t be arduous), and kill Heathcliff (he can finally join his beloved Cathy in the underworld).
Read my full review of Wuthering Heights here.
Read my full review of Dracula here.
Read my full review of Jonathan Strange And Mr Norrell here.
Kiss, Marry, Kill: Robinson Crusoe, Queequeg, Jay Gatsby
This one is tough! Robinson Crusoe is a racist arsehole, and Gatsby is a creepy stalker – not overjoyed at the prospect of kissing or marrying either of them, to be honest. Queequeg seems like a good sort, though, aside from all the whale-killing.
Verdict: Kiss Queequeg (if I can pull him away from the spermaceti for long enough), marry Gatsby (take the money and run), kill Robinson Crusoe (shouldn’t be hard, he’s alone on a desert island after all).
Read my full review of Robinson Crusoe here.
Read my full review of Moby Dick here.
Read my full review of The Great Gatsby here.
Kiss, Marry, Kill: Miss Jean Brodie, Dorian Gray, Marianne Sheridan
This is a MiLlEnNiAl GiRl AeStHeTiC wet dream (or Sophie’s Choice, depending how you look at it). Miss Brodie is toxic and self-involved but the drama is delicious. Dorian Gray is ageless and hedonistic. Marianne is a hot mess from a rich family – and pretty annoying. Hmmm…
Verdict: Kiss Miss Jean Brodie (she’s in her prime, after all), marry Dorian Gray (just think of the parties we could throw! and he’d stay hot FOREVER!), and kill Marianne (that’s what being annoying gets you).
Read my full review of The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie here.
Read my full review of The Picture Of Dorian Gray here.
Read my full review of Normal People here.
Kiss, Marry, Kill: Daenerys Targaryen, Elizabeth Bennet, Mina Harker
Well, Jon Snow is batting two out of three when it comes to Daenerys! But let’s focus on me. I’ve got three beautiful ladies, all with their own set of issues, and I have to choose between them.
Verdict: Kiss Mina Harker (with all those dudes frothing over her, I want to see what the fuss is about), marry Elizabeth Bennet (I’ll fight Mr Darcy for her if necessary), and kill Daenerys Targaryen (can’t fight fate).
Read my full review of A Game Of Thrones here.
Read my full review of Pride And Prejudice here.
Read my full review of Dracula here.
Kiss, Marry, Kill: Mark Watney, Sal Paradise, Arthur Less
Oooh, this might be the easiest one so far!
Verdict: Kiss Mark Watney (I don’t have it in me to marry a man presumed dead on Mars, but I’ll kiss him goodbye), marry Arthur Less (we’ll show that ex-lover of his!), and kill Sal Paradise (he gets a job or he gets the knife, up to him).
Read my full review of The Martian here.
Read my full review of On The Road here.
Read my full review of Less here.
Kiss, Marry, Kill: Daisy Jones, Claire Beauchamp, Anne Boleyn
Another stunning lady line-up! The drug-addicted party girl-slash-rock star, the time travelling English nurse, and the demonised second wife of a belligerent monarch.
Verdict: Kiss Daisy Jones (I, too, like to Rock’N’Roll), marry Anne Boleyn (someone’s gotta save the poor girl from what’s coming for her), and kill Claire Beauchamp (she’ll probably figure out a time travel trick to stay alive anyway).
Read my full review of Daisy Jones And The Six here.
Read my full review of Outlander here.
Read my full review of The Other Boleyn Girl here.
Kiss, Marry, Kill: Tea Cake, Mr Darcy, Anna Karenina
How did two of my favourite leading gents end up in the same entry? Gah! (Plus the Russian drama queen, but she’s easy fixed.)
Verdict: Kiss Mr Darcy (smooch that prejudice right out of him), marry Tea Cake (I’ve wanted to ever since I read the book anyway), and kill Anna Karenina (I mean, she’s going to get there on her own anyway?).
Read my full review of Their Eyes Were Watching God here.
Read my full review of Pride And Prejudice here.
Read my full review of Anna Karenina here.
Kiss, Marry, Kill: Laurie, Rebecca, Amy Dunne (Amazing Amy)
The drama in this trio is so powerful, I may get radiation sickness. Okay, we’ve got the wealthy good-time guy next door, the specter of the wronged first wife, and the woman willing to literally fake her own death (among other things) to screw over her husband. Holy moly…
Verdict: Kiss Laurie (just to show him he’s got options outside the March family), marry Amy Dunne (because I’m afraid of what she’ll do to me if I don’t), and kill Rebecca (hopefully her husband will give me a fat pay cheque for doing his dirty work).
Read my full review of Little Women here.
Read my full review of Rebecca here.
Read my full review of Gone Girl here.
Kiss, Marry, Kill: Mr Knightley, Frankenstein’s Monster, Emma Woodhouse
Last but not least: two of Austen’s leads go head to head against… a literal monster. Welp!
Verdict: Kiss Frankenstein’s Monster (he needs cheering up), marry Emma Woodhouse (cha-ching! plus, all the scheming would make for a fun life together), and kill Mr Knightley (gotta get him out of the way to get to Emma’s heart).
April 12, 2023 at 10:56 AM
Your commentary on why you picked each one is hilarious. Thank you.
April 12, 2023 at 12:01 PM
Ahahahaha cheers Elsie! 😉
April 12, 2023 at 5:44 PM
Kiss, Marry, Kill is a genuine thing? Or am I being hopelessly naive as usual?
April 22, 2023 at 7:38 PM
It sure is, Phil! It’s a good one to play after dinner when everyone’s had a bit too much wine 😉